I try not to post too often on my blog because I find it takes time to come to something worth posting. Wisdom comes with experience and whilst there are many things I could blog on about there are also many blogs already doing that.
My thoughts have revolved around 2 things I did in my life which I shrank from every time I thought of them. The first was from my school days. A girl in my year had a degenerative spinal disorder and had to wear a sort of brace so she could walk and stand. She claimed God was good and in a moment of being spotlighted for peer ridicule I adopted the easy route of deflecting attention onto another. I made a cruel joke about this girl who it happened was present and heard it. I never apologised to her face and it is one of the things I regret the most in my life. Why? Because it was both cruel and uncalled for. I inflicted hurt on an already hurting vulnerable person who did not deserve it. The way this burned into my heart and thoughts when I became a converted Christian I have used to remind me of my own weakness and has given me a great desire to never repeat such an outrage again.
The second thing I did which concerns me is in a moment of very ill health and emotional lowness. Having struggled with fibromyalgia for over 30 years and being faced with absolute ruin (I mean homelessness and loss of all family because no one believed my dilemma) I hit out at a friend who offered me help and then refused it because she herself started to need 'proofs' of my true state. I hit out with fierce and unkind words most unlike me but with a passion of anger I did not know I contained. Yes indeed I was totally alone and afraid and her unsought unconditional offer of help and then just when I was feeling understood and cared about, her removal of it, did indeed kick me when I was already on the floor. But still my response shook me. Was this angry demon really me? Whilst I know both my health condition and my vulnerable state of mind played a huge part, nevertheless I was more shaken by my outburst than her actions. This was more than 5 years ago but I retain the memory because I needed to learn from it.
Both of these events I relate because I believe they both stemmed from the same source; love of self above all others. We live in a very Narcissistic world. We are constantly looking in the mirror instead of looking to God. (please note my capitalisation of any words related to Narcissistic is deliberate even thought not grammatically correct, because I am using this as the alternative to God which indeed should be capitalised).
Our world and society has become totally Narcissistic. As a Christian I know that I am to have no other god than God. Whilst many interpret this to mean material things or status, how about simply oneself. Can I become God to myself? Indeed I believe this is the problem I suffered above and the problem the world is groaning under. It is the reason Lucifer fell and the reasoning behind all those that follow him. They do not necessarily know that is what they are doing, in their own reasoning they are merely looking after self. Whilst we are of course meant to maintain responsibility within our abilities and means to care for our health and well being, self interest should stop when what we are choosing to do is solely for self in some form and is detrimental to anyone else. Because this is so difficult at times to detect and is so much the norm today, even those aware of it can become prey to this devouring lion. No one is immune to its infection and if continued in, the result, same as with all contagions that are not halted, is death; death of the best of a person and their ability to learn and grow and become useful and loving people.
How can one defend against such a snare? The only way I know is the Divine advice to 'Look to God' and live. Don't look in the mirror, don't look left or right at your neighbour, look up and seek help from the Heavens. Unless we stop and take this necessary step, cruel, wasteful, and even devastating words and actions will continue to spew from us. Social media will continue to be anything but true healthy society. Our ideals will continue to be those who are obsessed with image and material possessions. Our sleep at night will continue to be disturbed and our hearts hurting.
I am not some sort of religious leader or wise oracle. I am an ordinary woman of this world sharing what my experiences and thinking has taught me. I am not suggesting anyone look to me or follow me, but that you seek higher than mortal. Do not follow the flock but seek the Shepherd. We are not in a race against each other but we are on a journey of self enlightenment and growth. We are co-walkers on a path not competitors in a competition. In your day, please stop for a moment to smell the roses, and whilst doing that stop and review what you did, said, felt in the day towards others and whether what you did was about yourself or did you consider the other person, the son or daughter of Our Father in Heaven. This is our time to live. We are only here for a short time. When you are dead will others remember you with sad smile as they recall all the good feelings that come from your memory, or will they shudder at the thought of you and push you as far from their remembrance as possible? I write this because I don't want to be the cause of grief and pain as I feel I was in the 2 events I related, I am in a way being self-wish, I am hoping my self will answer a wish of something good for someone, and that both of us will sleep at night with hearts that are enlarged by simple acts of kindness.
